short funny affirmations short funny affirmations

". I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. Why is England the wettest country? 249. Really? This is the beauty of funny affirmations. My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do. Dave Barry 84. Sharing quotes, proverbs, and sayings of great authors to touch people's lives to make it better. Never ask a starfish for directions. I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. We get so worried about being pretty lets be pretty kind, pretty funny, pretty smart, pretty strong., 9. 11. I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. 253. 197. To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. 30. Never judge a book by its movie. Franklin Jones, 259. Good morning! Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. Bill Murray, 257. Life is becoming easier and less serious. 71. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldnt have a job if he was any smarter. John Gotti, 6. 26. 110. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. 156. Charles M. Schulz. With time, I have started to value more time. 6. God has never abandoned me. Erma Bombeck. 5. I try to see the funny side of every situation., 3. I can always think of something funny to say. Bill Murray Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 104. 133. Can February march? You never run out of things that can go wrong. 6. Does it count if you say them in your mind? My friends are like rocks, they help me through hard times. Enjoy! 90. Envelope. Doing nothing is hard, you never know when youre done. 171. The only power you have is the word no. A wishbone. I intend to live forever. Henny Youngman, 246. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. Im so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed. Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. 229. 77. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. Go to bed with satisfaction.". No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 145. 3. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. 227. Funny Friday Quotes. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? I draw from my inner strength and light. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 140. They shape our present and have an impact on our future. Well, life isn't just about glitz and glamour nor rainbows and butterflies. Exercise? "My funny vibes attract my happy tribe.". Never test how deep the water is with both feet. - Jack London. Charles M. Schulz Rome wasnt built in a day. 13. 100. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? So life is not always "All The Way Up", I guess. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. Even on my worst days, turning on some stand up immediately puts me in a better mood. - F. Ken Dodd The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. 175. 137. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Use them throughout the day whenever you experience negative thoughts. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 8. 1. 264. 38. I would have appreciated exams if they had allowed our Pokemons and Ninjas. I can engage in small acts of kindness to uplift other people. My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. The world is missing some pizzazz. A wishbone. I make the right choices every time. It just plain forms. Over time, when you use these affirmations, your mind begins to equate new words with weight loss. Edward A. Murphy. 54. George Burns 166. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. Robert A. Heinlein What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 28. 204. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. 181. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full. 225. 36. 97. Make the statements about yourself and for yourself. Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. Funny Daily Affirmations. 94. I can have peace, even when people irritate me. Expect nothing and appreciate everything. Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. 177. I wish my wallet came with free refills. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. 118. "Disconnect to connect.". Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. I crack the right joke at the perfect moment. Youre born free, then youre taxed to death. 102. Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? East. The rest are too expensive. A gummy bear. Funny positive affirmations do work. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. Ann Landers, 244. If I lose my hopes, I am afraid my mom will still scold me for taking it out and showing it to friends. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. Best friends eat your food. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. Let us know which of these motivational affirmations inspired you the most. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. Stop texting me in the middle of texting you, now I have to change my text. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Without further ado, lets look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. 2. I like my thoughts how I like my whiskey, always glass half full., 11. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. As a result, youll stay consistent, and with affirmations, consistency is the name of the game. But you can always be immature. I am fine. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? I did not trip and fall. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. I dont want to fix my spending habits. Some when they enter, others when they leave. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 1. 165. Happiness is a choice. To thrive in life you need three bones. 55. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? You have to go after it with a club. We have a connection. I love my job only when Im on vacation. Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. 143. 158. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 254. 206. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 7. Who cares about the future? Funny Positive Affirmations For Work. 62. I understand people talking about me. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. 80 Soren Kierkegaard Quotes On Love, Life And Philosophy, Top 90 Martin Luther King Jr. 153. 163. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried., 136. I feed my spirit. Any text will do. 5. My future is a golden, sparkly, explosion of fucking awesomeness. I am grateful for that time. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor. 144. Steven Alexander Wright. I can believe in myself for 5 minutes., 2. Can February march? 9. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 189. I always find something funny in every situation. 76. 242. "I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. Your words become your actions. 1. I am lazy till I get a motive. "Today will be a great day". I personally love watching masters of comedy, Feel free to pick a few of these affirmations and say them to yourself the next time youre. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. Once you're feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. Related Post: 201 Awesome Short Inspirational Quotes About Life. Bill Murray 66. 2. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Gary Delaney You can write them down and use them whenever you're attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. 82. A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. Never take life seriously. 34. To put your affirmations into practice, follow these steps. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. Life always offers you a second chance. Allow yourself to laugh if you feel the need. Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. About Us | Privacy Policy | Terms | Contact 2023 Quotement. 103. 136. One of the most important aspects of affirmations is how authentic they feel to you. At night, I cant fall asleep. Albert Einstein Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Laughter keeps us from taking life too seriously, and life certainly does everything it can to ensure that we take it too seriously. 35. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. 30. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 219. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. 105. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well. I enjoy every minute of it. You dont have to be crazy to be my friend, but it helps. The only power you have is the word no. (John 14:27) 27. 63. Absorb these 41 positive quotes and positive affirmations and start feeling positive now! 237. And a funny bone., 10. You definitely dont want to kill the vibe by throwing a bad joke out there! Short Positive Daily Affirmations. Socrates. I am way dumb than my mom keeps blabbering about me to the neighbors aunt. You were too lazy to read that number. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? I wasnt mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if Im mad.. yes, Im mad! Robert Bloch. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 120. Just like every Monday does on Earth. I am my childs greatest comfort. 245. With a cowculator. Art doesnt transform. I tell you what always catches my eye. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. No No NOYes. How do you count cows? Be kinder with yourself and change your thoughts for better health (physically and emotionally). Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. 147. If youre hotter than me, then that means Im cooler than you. In between, I am alive., 7. 205. You may have people laugh at you instead of with you. 261. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. Keep your affirmations in the present. When nothing is going right, go left. 9. 235. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 250. Live life to the fullest. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. 9. 267. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! Its a door, thats how they work. They log in. I have seen better days, but Ive also seen worse. Some people are like clouds. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. 47. 4. I love myself, which is why I dont need to love the idea of other people loving me., 12. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. Henny Youngman You can only be young once. Steven Alexander Wright I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. 196. 3. Stuart Turner 6. Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Today is a great day. Im not lazy, Im on power saving mode. 202. I could agree with you, but then wed both be wrong. I release all shame about my body. Robert A. Heinlein, 243. 151. 2. 210. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. 202. The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. 174. 108. Is it perfect? 278. Bill Murray, 258. Your mind will naturally focus more on the positive things that happen that day rather than the negatives. And get over it. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. Every time you are able to find some humor in a difficult situation, you win., 5. 172. 243. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. Breasts dont have eyes. Im amusing and make the people around me happy. IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. 236. My jokes do. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. Stressed spelled backward is desserts. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 81. Sam Levenson. Allow your body to absorb the positivity of your words by repeating them to yourself. Being funny seems to be taking less effort. Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life Life is filled with highs and lows, sometimes, we need some inspirational quotes to help us overcome challenges of life and offer guidance to us. 161. 1. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. If you think nobody cares if youre alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 43. You can also share them with your co-workers to put a smile on their faces. And a funny bone. Microchips. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? All rights reserved. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. 2. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. 2. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 142. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. Art doesnt transform. 94. In the morning, I cant get up. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. 252. - Bob Hope. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Even if youre a skeptic, you must admit these funny affirmations really work. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. 138. It doesnt work if it is not open. Ive got three bones. Those who snore always fall asleep first. Here, we are listing down some awesome funny positive affirmations that will bring out serious positive changes in you. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Stop trying to make everyone happy. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. 176. When I was in high school I had two favorite subjects, lunch and recess. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? Because he was always spotted. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. 275. I dont cross oceans for people who wouldnt cross puddles for me. Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be miserable., 7. Not everyone has to like me. Send me the link. 23. Your values become your destiny. Bill Murray Whats the best thing about Switzerland? I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. I can always be fatter. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 67. No one is immune to self-sabotage, heartbreak, loss, and failure. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. 96. Ill keep going forward even if my pants tear off. Learn sign language, its very handy. I dont think thats a coincidence. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. Roy Lichtenstein. 173. Really? Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. Every day I become calmer and do more good for the world. How do trees access the internet? Short Funny Affirmations. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. In between, I am alive. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Swimming trunks. One thing you need to remember though; if you are going to be funny, then make sure youre actually funny. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny., 4. 51. Unit #2007 Mahwah, NJ 07430, 50 Funny Affirmations for Confidence, Motivation, and Self-Love, 39 Movies about Friendship and Being with Great People, Relationship OCD: Symptoms, Causes, and How to Treat, 45 Best Hobbies for Couples to Share Together, 51 Passion Project Ideas & Examples List for 2023, 21 Best Films That Explore Mental Illness, 41 Words of Encouragement for Someone in Jail, The 5 Best Vitamins for Anxiety (Our 2023 Review), 101 Toxic People Quotes to Stay Away from Negativity, 57 Strong Mom Quotes About Being a Powerful Parent, 7 Steps to Deal with Emotionally Unavailable Parents, 35 Best Songs About What Its Like to Have Anxiety. 16. It doesnt work if it is not open. I dont need a psychologist to dig into my personal life and ask me about all of my secrets, thats what my friends are for! 1. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? No matter how bad it gets Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 79. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. 215. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. Its scary when it disappears. Today I was a hero. 40. When they go away, its a brighter day. I get up, dress up, and show up. My sense of humor makes the world a better place., 8. You may hear crickets when you try to tell a joke. 44. Ive made it from the bed to the couch. Why cant you play cards on a small boat? Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. I am enough. Not me, but somebody does. When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Not only can laughter improve our problem-solving skills, but it can also help battle various diseases. Raimonda.B. You are good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough, and strong enough. My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. Giving up on your goal because of one setback is like slashing your other three tires because you got a flat., 6. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 14. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. Enjoy! Run. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. "I receive what I believe.". Positive affirmations aren't about tricking kids into mentally looking at life with eyes that only see what they want to see. Theres no stopping me now. Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. I am too lazy to be lazy. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. Its okay, he woke up. What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? It has the power to add levity to our daily challenges. 16. 21. 75. "Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.". 214. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. Choose words that make you feel confident about yourself. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. What do computers eat for a snack? I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Rodney Dangerfield. Im still gonna do dumb stuff, only slower., See also: 90 Inspiring & Funny Quotes About Ageing Gracefully, 8. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you.